Title: Canadians have Four Loko
Rating: PG 13
Pairing: Sulay, mentioned!(Kyuho)
Genre: Uni!AU, Crack, Humor, Romance
Length: One-shot (2,606)
Summary: Joonmyeon starches his collars thrice and Yixing has a gonad plushie.
Warnings: Language, vulgar humor, trampstamps (?)
This is Four Loko
When Joonmyeon gets into the college of his dreams, the hard life is supposed to be over. Everything is supposed to be easy and he’s supposed to fly through life like it’s a fucking Disney movie.
Life must hate him.
“Hello,” Joonmyeon says immediately as he enters the room, “My name is Joonmyeon and I will be your roo--”
“Oh. My. God.” The boy who Joonmyeon assumes to be his roommate is reading People magazine while he hangs upside down from the top bunk, his knees locked around the wood that quite honestly, is trembling under the weight.
“Um. Excuse me?”
“Oh my god! Did you know that Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson?” The boy asks. Joonmyeon is 160% sure that the bed isn’t going to withstand the boy’s swinging before it breaks and they have to pay for it.
“Can you stop hanging from that--” he starts. But it’s too late anyway.
The bed crashes into at least six hundred pieces and Joonmyeon has to bite his tongue and clench his fists to keep from grabbing his roommate by the throat and shaking him to death.
His roommate gathers himself from the rubble and bounds forward before extending a delicate (albeit dirty with wood shavings) hand and a bright smile.
“My name is Yixing!” he says, “And apparently it’s, like, old news! She was cheating with him on her director!”
This time, Joonmyeon actually does grab the boy by the throat and shake him violently. Each shake is accompanied by a word snapped directly in Yixing’s paling face.
“This. Shit. Is. Expensive. You. Pay. Up.”
Yixing doesn’t actually pay up. He doesn’t even pay up fifty percent. He coughs up ten out of the sixty required bucks and whines to Joonmyeon about his lack of money.
Joonmyeon covers the rest and uses a tattered piece of wood to smack Yixing upside the head.
He whines later to his friend, Jongdae, over the phone, “I really wish you were here. I swear my roommate actually tried to light my scented bath salts on fire and smoke them.”
What makes it worse is that Yixing is in most of Joonmyeon’s classes, curse this school’s rigorous core program. They’re not even the same major.
And if Joonmyeon didn’t feel like shit in the first place. He’s struggling. He doesn’t understand why political science kids like him even need to bother with shit like calculus because he really can’t even add two and two get four.
It wouldn’t be so bad if Yixing wasn’t a fucking genius. He shrugs over the 100% on his first homework and says, “I dunno bro, it wasn’t so bad. I did it when I was drunk.”
Joonmyeon doesn’t even bother saying anything about the legal drinking age. He straightens his collar even though he’s sure it doesn’t need fixing. He starched it three times.
“I don’t get this,” Joonmyeon mumbles to himself at two in the morning. He understood Taylor series in high school, why was it so much harder now?
“What don’t you get?” Yixing asks groggily, turning over in his bed and dropping the giant fallopian tube-uterus-ovary plushie that one of his friends had uproariously dropped off at their dorm the thursday before. “I can help you bro, I finished that this morning.”
“How the fuck--” Joonmyeon throws his hands up in frustration, “You know what? I don’t even want to know. Who the fuck even makes those damn plushies anyway? Fuck you, okay? Fuck you.”
“Fuck you too,” Yixing winks before rolling back over and immediately snoring like a hyena with nasal congestion.
“Fuck my life,” Joonmyeon moans.
“Yes please,” Yixing sings before snoring again.
Joonmyeon has never been one for parties, he would much rather stay in his room and triple check his homework for physics, but Yixing makes it very clear that being a bum is not an option.
“I hate you,” Joonmyeon informs him when they arrive at the frat house, teeming with drunk girls and bass heavy pop music. Yixing just laughs.
“I’m not kidding. I want to take your face and wash my cheese grater with it.”
“That’s not even yours.”
“I want to take your face and wash your own cheese grater with it.”
“Hey, I’m pretty sure you’d like my lasagna better if it didn’t have shredded bits of Yixing in it.”
“I’m pretty sure I’d like my life better if it didn’t have shredded bits of Yixing in it,” Joonmyeon mutters. But by then Yixing is already gone and probably passed out drunk.
Joonmyeon wakes up in his bathroom with no pants and a purple wig. He assesses his situation, wonders what amber colored liquid stained his shirt, and crawls out of the tub to a pounding headache.
It takes him a moment before he roars, “YIXING!”
Yixing stumbles into the bathroom and leans his weight against the door frame. He seems just as confused as Joonmyeon.
“Why aren’t you wearing pants?” Yixing asks, voice slurred with either sleep or alcohol, or both.
For once, Joonmyeon doesn’t yell at him, because he’s too stunned by Yixing and all his fury seeps away. What was a socially-offensive fauxhawk the night before is now a buzz cut with green and pink dyed stripes.
“Dude, what’s with the wig?”
“Yixing,” Joonmyeon starts slowly, “Where’d all your hair go?”
Yixing looks into the mirror and does a Home Alone scream.
Joonmyeon swears never ever to go drinking with Yixing again because he has a tranny stamp that says “Suho” and he doesn’t have the money for that removal surgery. Yixing guffaws like an idiot and asks through his howls exactly what “Suho” means.
Joonmyeon grits his teeth together and explains that “Suho” means “guardian” then realizes it was a really fucking bad idea to tell Yixing. It’s a terrible idea because he has a tramp stamp and there’s no way in hell he’s going to shake off that nickname now.
(“Oh my god Suho! It’s like the guardian of your assh--” Joonmyeon slams Yixing in the face with a pillow.)
Halfway through first semester, Joonmyeon develops interest in a junior named Kyuhyun. He’s tall, on the dean’s list, and he’s tall. If they were ever to artificially inseminate for their own baby, at least it would be tall. Joonmyeon never tells him that.
Joonmyeon thinks they’re hitting it off too, until he makes a bold step and kisses Kyuhyun on the mouth. He receives a not very delicate smack in the face. Joonmyeon steps back and cradles his cheek.
“I thought you were gay!” Joonmyeon accuses.
“What was that for then?!”
Kyuhyun lets out an exasperated sigh and throws his hands up.
“I really don’t understand.”
“I don’t know about your morals,” Kyuhyun snaps, “but I don’t think cheating is condonable.”
“You have a boyfriend?” Joonmyeon asks.
Kyuhyun slaps him in the face again and leaves him behind the bowling alley.
It isn’t brought to his attention until three weeks later that everyone assumes that he and Yixing are dating.
It isn’t brought to his attention until three and a half weeks later that Yixing himself assumes that he and Yixing are dating.
“I really don’t see why you’re so upset over Kyuhyun,” Yixing mumbles over his calculus textbook one day. He has empty cans of Four Loko piled on his desk and Joonmyeon knows it’s because Yixing’s friend Kris is Canadian; only Canadians (the source of all evil) would have so many cans of Four Loko.
“I mean, you should be more concerned that I would be upset about it.”
“Most boyfriends would be really annoyed if their significant other went out kissing people in the street. I’m such a good boyfriend.”
Joonmyeon needs to step out and take a breather.
Joonmyeon doesn’t actually tell Yixing that he doesn’t think they’re dating, because it’s not actually doing him any damage. They’re not doing anything too coupley, and Yixing is decently attractive anyway so it doesn’t do anything to his reputation.
Jongdae tells him during a late night phone call, “Wow, you are actually the stupidest fuck.”
He snaps back, “Wow, you’re just jealous because you can’t get laid and I have--” He stops in awkward silence because Yixing picked that exact moment to return from his party with his friends. And fuck, it’s the one time he’s not drunk out of his mind.
Yixing stares at Joonmyeon for a moment before dragging himself to his side of the room. He slams his head down onto his pillow and strips off his shirt as Joonmyeon stutters and tries to continue his conversation with Jongdae. His efforts fail miserably because Jongdae laughs for a good six minutes and hangs up with an extremely mature, fake orgasm. Oh god, Joonmyeon hopes it’s fake.
When he hangs up, he peers cautiously over to Yixing’s side of the room. Yixing, although flopped on his bed, is most certainly not sleeping.
Joonmyeon swears that Yixing looks like the most sexually charged thing since Twilight M-rated fanfiction.
“So you can get laid huh,” Yixing’s voice is low (for him anyway) and Joonmyeon’s breath hitches in his throat.
Yixing slinks from his side of the room to Joonmyeon’s bed while running his tongue along his lips. Joonmyeon can’t decide if it’s hot or disgusting so he pulls his duvet up to his chin in panic.
“Do you want to see if ‘Suho’ really does guard you well?” Yixing is so suggestive that it actually occurs to Joonmyeon that he is going to laugh about that line in the future. He thinks to say that, to break the sexual tension in the atmosphere.
But instead he says a very articulate, “Um... I...”
“I promise I’ll be gentle,” Yixing crawls on top of him and pushes lips to his ear. There are slow, hot breaths and Joonmyeon decides all bets are off.
He jerks out of the bed, tumbling onto the floor and stubbing his toe on the box that Yixing still hasn’t picked up from move in day.
“I’m sorry Yixing, I just--” Joonmyeon feels himself turning red, maybe purple, and backs away rapidly. “I don’t really know about this whole thing. I mean, this is really fast, and I don’t know if I feel that way about you and--”
Horny Yixing disappears and he is suddenly concerned, “No, Joonmyeon, it’s fine, if you’re not ready we can wait. I just heard you over the phone and I thought that maybe you wanted to.”
There’s an awkward silence before Joonmyeon blurts, “I didn’t think we were dating!”
Yixing stares at Joonmyeon in the same unnerving way that Joonmyeon had stared when his parents told him his puppy was run over by a clown car.
“I just-- I didn’t know you felt that way about us. I thought we were, just, normal, you know? Chill, you know? Like, I didn’t...” Joonmyeon decides that he certainly didn’t get into this school because he was articulate at the interview.
“You’re straight?” Yixing blinks, “Oh I’m sorry man. I just thought you swung my way. Wow, this is really awkward.”
Then, for some inexplicable reason, Joonmyeon is angry.
“No I’m not fucking straight.” He snaps. “I would just really appreciate if someone fucking tells me if I’m supposed to be dating some other guy, let alone the one I’m living with. God! Shit! Fu--” Joonmyeon throws Yixing’s uterus plushie at the wall and the clock drops on his foot.
“I-I’m sorry,” Yixing stutters, he looks a little like he’s going to cry. “I guess I just-- disillusioned.”
“Fuck!” Joonmyeon howls, clutching his foot in pain, “I don’t even know how I feel about you anymore! Fuck!” He shouts and shakes his toe, as if it would make the pain go away faster. “I just. Fuck!” Joonmyeon screams again and hobbles out of the room.
He’s going to pull an Yixing tonight and get shitfaced out of his mind.
Joonmyeon returns to the room to find it spotless.
His notes are arranged in alphabetical order, wrinkled sheets recopied neatly into loose leaf that is color coded and highlighted better than Joonmyeon ever did himself. There is a fifty dollar bill lying on top of his philosophy book. But Yixing is nowhere to be found.
It’s weird without his loud roommate bumbling about the room, because even though he’s annoying as all get out, he’s also pretty funny.
He also has a really hard time with his calculus homework that night.
He returns to his room on the second day after the fight and the room is still pristine, but Yixing is sitting on his bed with impeccable posture and glazed over eyes. His gaze snaps up as Joonmyeon closes the door and peels off his shoes.
The silence stretches until Yixing shatters it with a small voice, “I’m really sorry Joonmyeon. I didn’t even realize that I was just assuming things. I guess I just like you so much, and I assumed you always knew that and--”
“No--” Joonmyeon tries to interrupt.
“For some reason I thought that since you weren’t pushing me away that you liked me back and I’m really sorry. Really. I can switch roommates with someone else if you want, and I won’t bother you again--”
“Yixing,” he tries again.
“I mean, I still really like you, but I can make this stupid crush go away. Luhan already said he’d be happy to room with you because Kai is overly sexual or something, but that’s if you don’t want me here. It might take me some time to move my stuff out but--”
“YIXING!” Joonmyeon shouts and drops his bookbag to the floor with a thud. Just for emphasis.
“I’m sorry!” Yixing apologizes in a hurry and Joonmyeon panics as his roommate begins to cry.
“Stop crying Yixing.” Joonmyeon makes his way across the room and sits next to Yixing. “I’m not mad at you.”
“Yixing, I was just confused. I’m not angry that you like me, and you’re not wrong for assuming things because it was actually really obvious. I’m just not used to having options. Especially not sweet, funny, attractive options like you.”
Yixing blinks. Joonmyeon pries at his triple-starched collar.
“I like you Yixing and if you would give me a chance to express it to you in a way that doesn’t involve me impaling my own foot with a clock and cursing over your gonad plushie... I would like to try again?” Joonmyeon ends with a tentative question and waits for Yixing’s answer.
Yixing’s answer comes in the form of a really long kiss. A wet one.
Joonmyeon realizes in misery that if he were to have a baby, it would be genetically doomed to be short.
(Joonmyeon later suggests that Yixing get a “guardian” of his own. He needs it more.)
Hi. This is how I live my life with my roommate. Minus the relationship and drinking.
(No really this shit actually goes down. I have the uterus plushie in my closet.)
Fo sabsabwidget because Canadian) arodwen because Sulay ship sails), an sariiis because Kyuho)
P.S. Should I tag this with Robsten?
Talk to me here or on tumblr